Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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