I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize