the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
