maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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