Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
