my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
