I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
