My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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