So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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