I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize