She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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