I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
