You smell like a Billy Joel song
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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