Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
