does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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