it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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