My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
