Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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