Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
