Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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