Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
