He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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