Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
