Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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