i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
