i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
