Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
