I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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