I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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