I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
