I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
