I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you will always have a special place in my vag
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
