sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
