WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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