You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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