The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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