I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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