Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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