there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
