We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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