I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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