I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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