I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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