dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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