I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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