If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
