I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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