I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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