I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
