you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize