remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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