Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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