I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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