If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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