Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
