when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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