can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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