i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
