apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We have started to decorate penises.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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