Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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