Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
