Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
