I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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