I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Couch. On fire.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
