Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
