Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
